What If? Excavating the Terror

Some of you may remember from previous posts that I'm contemplating a major life change. Escaping my desk to become a millwright is a big deal, and definitely a financial step up. I'm all about the trades and harbour a (possibly misguided) belief that if you don't go home dirty at the end of the day, you're not really working.

But.

I'm scared. What if I suck at it? What if all the people that say going into a trade is a recipe for abuse if you're a woman? What if I end up on the very end of the pay scale and can't get by?

All of those things are valid. None of them are actually a big problem. If I suck or the pay isn't good enough, I can always get another job doing what I'm doing now. I got this one, I can get another. And seriously, I can guarantee that any guy who tries to put me down 'cos he's got some kind of male superiority complex is going to regret it. A lot. And not in a I'm-going-to-report-him-to-management kind of way. I will make that guy's life hell, one on one. I don't need a manager or HR department to fight my battles for me.

That's not my problem. My problem is that I'm terrified I'll put all this time and effort into landing my dream job and then...

I'll end up right where I am now.

Bored.

There is no such thing as a job that's different every day. After a certain period of time, repetition inevitably sets in. That's where I go off the rails. If I'm not learning every day, not feeling challenged, my mind wanders. I get depressed. Will all the work I'm doing to get the skills I need turn out to be a waste of time? Is this another case of throwing good money down the drain? Over the past 20 years, I estimate I've spent about $52000 on education in various disciplines, only to find that the things I studies were not a good fit for me. I don't regret it at all; I certainly enjoyed every program I took, at least at first. I simply couldn't imagine spending my entire life doing any of those things.

What if I'm a professional dilettante? What if I never find the career that's right for me? Will I spend my whole life in entry-level jobs, hopping from one low-paid job to another, struggling to figure out where I fit in?

Listen, I understand that everyone compromises a bit in their work lives. There's always some aspect of the job that you don't enjoy, whether it's paperwork or dealing with customers or a boss who's a jerk. There will always be some parts are mundane. The trick is find something where those moments are minimized.  As someone with severe reactions to boredom ranging from anger to self-destruction, my health is dependent on coming close to eliminating those moments. No, I'm not going to learn meditation or practice visualizing calm. I'm going to keep chasing the next bit of excitement. That's who I am, and I don't aim to change it for the sake of keeping a damn job. I couldn't live with myself if I did; that's too much like giving in to society's ridiculous expectations. At that rate, I might as well wash up and learn how to be a submissive housewife while I'm at it. (Nothing wrong with that, if that's who you are. I ain't it.)

What if? What if? What if?

Only one way to find out!