Mary Sue: Bad Writing or Template for a Great life?

There's a term in the fan fiction writing community, a dirty phrase no one ever wants to hear about their work. It's Mary Sue. What it means is that the writer has transparently inserted themselves into the story, usually disguised as an OC (original character). Commonly, the Mary Sue is a love interest for one of the main characters. Mary Sue-ing is bad form.

I'm not entirely certain why that's the way it is. Perhaps it prevents readers from putting themselves in the Mary Sue's proverbial shoes, which is really why we read romances in the first place. Or it might be because Mary Sues are often "perfect" versions of the writer, beautiful people with no flaws (read: really annoying!).

Publishing a story with a Mary Sue might not be the best idea ever. Writing one, on the other hand, could be good for you. Taking the time to imagine what the ideal you would be like, what you could be, or do, and how that version of yourself might interact with other people and the world could yield surprising results. Who would you be in a world with no limits?

Once upon a time I participated in NaNoWriMo, national novel writing month. The goal of NaNo is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. That's less than 2000 words a day. I tend to be wordy when I write; it didn't sound hard. I had a vague idea for a story. With no outline or plan, I plunged in. I wrote 25,000 words the first two weeks. My story was about a person in difficult personal circumstances who had an amazing and vibrant alternate life in another reality that they could access through dreaming. The version of themselves they could see in the dreams had everything they could ever want. My character grew jealous of the dream-life them and set out to kill their other self.

Yeah, it was twisted. As a concept it's not bad. The story itself stunk. Really, really stunk. Like three day old beer vomit on a bar floor stunk. Why? The whole thing was one long Mary Sue from start to finish. A horrible, self-serving Mary Sue.

I could have rewritten the story, being very stringent about ensuring that no Mary Sue-ing happened. I didn't do that. Instead, I looked at that embarrassing piece of writing and tried to figure out how I could use to learn about what I really wanted in my own life. The idealized me had a clothing company, PhDs in several subjects, and was a competitive MMA fighter, among other things. She also had a beautiful home full of handmade furniture and many friends.

Looking at that list of accomplishments, I broke them out into actionable items. If I really wanted to have a clothing design business, I'd have to learn professional pattern drafting. That's do-able. I went to my local college and signed up for fashion courses.

Getting multiple PhDs is not something most people do. It's extremely expensive and labour-intensive. I pondered what the real motivation behind that fantasy was and came up with the simplest answer: I wanted my deep knowledge on many subjects to be acknowledged. I get obsessed with 4 or 5 subjects every year and take in everything I can on them. They tend to rotate on a three or four year cycle. Looking back in my computer files and old notebooks I can track my immersive fascinations with topics ranging from genetic engineering to political science. Does that mean I should invest the time and money in going back to school for those subjects?

Maybe it does. Maybe someday I will. I decided that was the least important thing on the fantasy life list and set it aside.

I signed up for boxing lessons and learned really quickly that I dislike being punched in the head. I took a closer look at the MMA fighter fantasy and found what I really liked about that was the physicality of it. I admire both the discipline and the physique of athletes. Therefore I started working out and running. Washboard abs, here I come!

Having a beautiful ocean front home is beyond my means. I can certainly create beautiful furniture for myself. Goal set: now I have a list of home improvement projects to whittle away at. Watching the incremental changes in my surroundings helps me feel more connected to my home. Seeing things I made on a daily basis reminds me of what I'm capable of on those days when my self esteem dips.

The last item was by the hardest. I don't so much have many friends as I have many acquaintances. I'm not bad at meeting people, I have a lot of trouble keeping up with connections. Randomly call someone and ask if they'd like to have coffee? That's beyond my comfort zone. Presumably everyone gets nervous extending invitations to new people and I shouldn't be scared. It terrifies me. For no reason; I'm generally of the attitude that if you don't like me, you can go fly a kite. That's not to say I want to know someone doesn't like me! Reading up on the subject, I found a lot of information about how to make friends seemed sketchy. Things like mirroring body language and feigning approval of misguided opinions is fake and wrong. It's manipulative and I want no part of it. Guess there's more research to do.

What can your Mary Sue teach you? Go ahead and write up a wild life! See where those daydreams will take you.

My Cure for Depression

Yesterday sucked.

My co-worker who refuses to wear headphones because "they hurt my head" and thus subjects me to her dubious taste in music listened to classical dirges all day. She also decided that the overhead lights in our office were bothering her eyes because they suddenly give off a glare, meaning that I was stuck working by the glow of an underpowered desk lamp. It made me somnolent to say the least. I was bored. To top it off, my boss handed off what could have been an interesting project that I'm more than qualified for to my annoying co-worker. I felt insulted and rejected. And useless. I dragged myself through the rest of the work day propped up with more coffee than is healthy.

By the time I got home, I was thoroughly depressed. I didn't want to do anything other than lay around and sulk.

I didn't have that luxury. Tuesday night is sheet metal fabrication class. I paid good money for that! Cranky and muttering random curses under my breath I gathered up my notes and my tools, put on my steel toes and went to class.

Twenty minutes later:

I was covered in saw dust and schwarf. Grinning from ear to ear. I felt like I was accomplishing something. It wasn't a complicated project, nor did I execute it particularly well. No matter. I had a tool in my hand and everything I did had an immediate effect that I could see. I understood how the techniques could be used for something practical. Something way more useful than a friggin' spreadsheet.

Today I'm back at my desk. The spreadsheets are still there. I'm still bored. That's okay. Last night proved something long suspected- working with my hands is the quickest route to happiness. Some people drink, some people shop. I just have to get dirty, have to make something. Now I'm prepared for a long day of corporate drudgery.

I've got a book on fabrication techniques in my bag to read on my lunch hour, and a notebook full of sketches and plans. I've got a class tonight.

Tomorrow I'm teaching someone how to sew.

Office manager is what it says on my business card. I say I'm a maker.

When your circumstances take you to a dark place, reach for who you really are. Take a minute and be your real self, even if all you're actually doing is daydreaming about being somewhere else. Daydreams are the roots of goals, and goals will take you anywhere you want.

[Depressed employee image by Strategy Magazine]

500 car shows on TV. Where are the lady mechanics?

Not so long ago, my friend Phyllis had a birthday. She has a broad friendship network, and as a result the group that gathered for her celebration didn't know one another. We did a round of "hi, nice to meet you," and then the conversation lagged. Phyllis' partner Len scanned the table, his eyes dancing as he glanced at each of us. Mischievously, he announced, "I have a surprise for you."

What's that, Len?

"Raise your hand if you have a welding ticket," he said.

We looked at each other. There were five women at the table. Four of us had our hands up. We all started laughing. This never happens. A discussion ensued about our pursuits and professions- automotive, manufacturing, and so on.

Someone made a comment that we ought to get together and have a reality show: Girls Garage or something similar. It sounded like a good idea to us. After all, those programs focus on oddball characters with big personalities, and women in the trades tend to be those types. Hey, if we could get a network like the Discovery Channel to fund a shop for us, we'd be more than capable of making it go.

My travels through the blogosphere happened to land me on a podcast hosted by a married couple who produce reality TV. I remembered the birthday dinner and the Girls Garage concept; doing a bit of "research" about how to do a sizzle reel and pitch a show couldn't hurt. Listening to the professionals talk certainly did. In more than one episode, they emphasized that a show concept must fall into either "women's world," or "men's world." Which is to say that shows starring women have to be about fashion or decorating or living a ridiculous lifestyle centred around having 400 kids or getting your nails done every five minutes. Men's shows are about doing things: sports, construction, business.

I thought about the reality shows I watch. Fast N Loud- all guys, except for the poor beleaguered "beer assistant," Cristy. Vegas Rat Rods has one woman in the cast, and frankly the only reason she's there is because she's a former pin-up model. (Sorry, Twiggy. I'm sure you're growing into a great mechanic, but that's not why you got your job.) Top Chef comes out a lot better in the gender parity stakes; then again, cooking is mostly perceived as women's work.

What passes for industry wisdom says that men won't watch a show centred around activities they're interested in if it stars a woman. I'd like to see the evidence of that, to the best of my knowledge, it's never been tried! By the same token, they also say women won't watch a show about "manly" activities at all. If that's really the case, then why did Discovery's newsletter, Globe, celebrate the fact that female viewership of Fast N Loud was up by 31% way back in February of 2013?

Clearly, women are watching those shows. And maybe we'd like to see women actively doing things for a change! Because women do build houses and fix cars and make things other than cupcakes. Shouldn't the media reflect that?

"Women are watching those shows, okay," you say. "Why do those shows need to have female cast members?"

It's simple: women do those things, and a lot of them do a great job of it! Treating them as an anomaly is disrespectful and dishonest. One of the functions those shows serve is as fodder for daydreams. The viewer gets to play with the idea of living that life, doing that job. Unfortunately, we live in a highly gendered world, which makes it a fair bit harder for a female viewer to look at someone like Aaron Kaufman, the Bearded Wonder, and identify with him. Society has spent our whole lives telling us we're NOT like him and never will be, and if we want to be like him, there's something wrong with us. We could marry him, but we can't be him. That's a problem which won't go away any time soon.

Sidestepping that daydream barrier is easy: show a competent woman doing that job! Let girls see someone like them succeeding in those careers. Show enough of them, and the gendered categorization of work will fall away. Then we'll all be able to do the job we're best suited for.

How to Learn a Skill

Almost everyone has something they want to learn, whether it's French cooking or concrete forming. Many of those people will never actually learn either of those things, for the same reason. They don't know how to get started. Or they heard classes were expensive or hard to find. That's a sad state of affairs.

Anyone can learn anything they really want to, and usually it can be done inexpensively. I'm not talking about brain surgery or skydiving- some things really do require professional instruction for the safety of everyone. Everything else follows the same process, and here it is.

Decide on a Project

Saying to yourself "gee, Vietnamese food sure is tasty. Learning which ingredients combine to make those flavours would be interesting," will not motivate you. On the other hand, deciding that this weekend you're going to make Pho is a project. It has steps to take, and an outcome. Same thing with thinking crochet is neat as compared to deciding you need crocheted dishcloths for your kitchen. Once you have a finished item you can imagine, you've made the mental shift from interest to learning even before you've actually started.

Maybe what you really want to make is extremely complicated, or overly large. In that case, you may want to do a small scale version first to master techniques you'll need.

Do Some Research

Use the net, go to the library. Find a recipe or a set of plans for something similar to what you want to do. Read forums and see what experienced people recommend. Make a list of tools and materials, and the steps you'll need to take. The recipe or plan doesn't have to exactly reflect the outcome you're after, it just has to be close.

You might be short on tools or materials. In that case, figure out where you can rent or borrow them. Most cities have a tool library these days, and Craigslist, Kijijii, or Freecycle are great sources too. Ask your friends if they know where you can find whatever you need. People love to problem solve- ask around and you'll find tons of folks who want to help you!

Watch videos on YouTube. Besides the amazing number of cute cat videos, YouTube is a vast repository of instructions for every subject imaginable.

Now that you have a general understanding of what you're going to do...

Do It!

Get dirty. Take those lists you made of the plans or recipes and walk through them. Take your time, Read the instructions along the way. In a lot of cases, you might not understand why you need to do X before doing Y. Try doing it your way first to see what happens.

As you work your way through the project, write down the steps you took and how you did it.

Fail

Yep. Fail. That's what I said. It'll happen. Things burn, wood gets cut too short, circuits don't work. Meh. Things are messy or rough or too spicy or just plain wonky. It ain't the end of the world! You now get why X comes before Y. Think about what you did, and try to figure out where you went wrong. Check the steps you wrote down as you went to see if you missed anything.

Do It Again!

Luck might be with you, and you can undo everything and start over. That's great- back tracking will let you see exactly where you went wrong. If not, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Your analysis of the process and results from the mistake leaves you in good stead to improve things this time around. Knowing what not to do is half the battle, and a second or third attempt is usually 10 times better than a first.

Succeed!

Give yourself a high five. The end product might not be professional quality, but it's yours. Own it. Take pictures and post it to Facebook or Instagram or on one of the forums you found doing your research. Tell people it's your first try and let them congratulate you. Because they will: the world loves a beginner. Enjoy being showered with positive comments.

Pick a New Project

Had fun the first time around? Awesome! Decide on a slightly more challenging project and go to it! Discovered that what you were doing is not for you? Pass on the tools to someone who can use them, and find a new skill to try.

CAVEAT: You might have decided to learn something potentially dangerous. That's great. If you:
-worked on your own car
-did anything to do with electrical, plumbing or construction (eg, built a deck)
-modified a piece of machinery in any way

GET A PROFESSIONAL TO CHECK YOUR WORK BEFORE YOU TURN IT ON! 

[image borrowed from brandonvaugn.com]

I'm a troublemaker. I hope you are too.

I attended a team-building exercise this morning. It was nothing terribly exciting, a sort of forced march to "get to know each other better" type affair. The facilitator asked a question and we all had to take a turn answering. I got bored while we were inventorying the attendees best qualities, which resulted in me making a paper airplane. I was still following the discussion. Coworker A thinks his best quality is time management. Coworker B believes hers is having a great eye for design, etc etc. The VP, who happens to be a friend of mine and used to be a mechanical engineer looked over and nodded at my plane. Supposing he wanted to look at it closer, I flew it across the table to him. All of three feet, close to the table. Barely a distraction.

Well, the facilitator noticed. "Oh, you're a bit of a troublemaker, aren't you?"

All my coworkers laughed. It's funny because it's true. "Just demonstrating my best quality," I replied instantly.

By disposition, I don't really get a choice in the matter. I challenge systems because I think. Why are we still doing this process, when this could work better? Could we get the same results doing it another way?

In a work setting, people are often wasting a lot of time performing a task the way they've always done it, for no better reason than that's the way they've done it. Try to get them to do something new and they resist until they can see the benefits. Someone has to do it first!

Once upon a time I was at a bar with some friends. An attractive guy walked in. My companion noticed him. "Go talk to him," we all encouraged her, with the usual round of "you look gorgeous," and all that. She refused. "I can't make the first move!"

To her great embarrassment, I made my way across the room and started chatting him up. He was nice, his friends were funny. After a few minutes, I invited them to come over to our table. Introductions were made. A good time was had by all. My friend was greatly relieved to find I hadn't gone up to him and said something like "my girl thinks you're hot." (Full disclosure: that's not out of the realm of possibility for me.) They didn't get married or anything; it's not a fairytale romance. We all came out of that night with a few new friends. I call that a success.

Someone had to make the first move.

In another case, it didn't turn out quite so well. I went holiday shopping with a friend and her friend. I met up with them the night before to watch movies, play games and generally have some holiday fun. We had a great time, laughing and swapping stories about our hostess. That warm feeling faded quickly the next day. Everywhere we went, she said the same sort of thing. "This place is better than the one in Mississauga. There are so many brown people there, it smells like curry and ass." "At least the clerks at this store speak English." And on and on. By the time we made our fourth stop, I'd had enough.

She was in the middle of yet another offensive comment when I cut her off. "Are you aware of the fact that saying racist shit makes you sound stupid?"

"But this part of town-"

"Nope. No matter where you go, it's all the same people. You're an idiot."

She didn't speak to me again. Later on, my friend phoned me to ask why I'd been such a troublemaker and ruined our day.

Someone had to say something. That's what troublemakers are for.

Mischief managed.

There is No Such Thing as Downtime

I work full time. Monday to Friday from 8 am to 5 pm. I go to school 3 nights a week from 7 to 10, and all day Saturday. I exercise (almost) every day, and participate in 2 or 3 craft swaps a month. I build sets and props for a community theatre company on a regular basis. I knit or sew most of my own clothes, and what I didn't make from scratch, I've altered. Nearly everything in my diet is scratch made at home.

Let me guess. You're wondering how I manage to do all that.

It's easy. I don't believe in downtime. The way I see it is this: On any given evening, I could be sitting on my couch watching TV. That's what I'm given to understand most people do.

Except I don't understand that. I've seen every episode of the Walking Dead. I've watched and rewatched all of Sons of Anarchy. I can recite bits and pieces of the Big Bang Theory.I love TV. What I don't love is sitting still. You don't actually have to watch TV most of the time- take TBBT for example. 99% of the time they're in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. You know what it looks like already. Heck, you know where Sheldon is sitting! You can get just as much enjoyment out of listening to TBBT as you can watching it. Why not get crafty or physical while enjoying it? Multi-tasking for the win!

If I'm in front of the TV, I'm knitting or pinning a sewing project or running in place. Heck, if we're watching a video in class, it's a good bet I'm knitting if we're not supposed to be taking notes. My craft table is right there by the TV, and it's as good a place to put the cutting board and chop veggies to freeze so I have them ready for my next cooking extravaganza. (When it comes down to it, prep is the time-consuming bit of cooking.)

I put my lunch hours into working on the sets for the theatre. I'm lucky that the warehouse we work out of is very close to my workplace to facilitate that.

I often hear people say that they just need time to zone out and recharge. That attitude is wrongheaded, in my opinion. What really does the recharging is shifting your attention to a new subject. When it comes right down to it, sitting in an office looking at a computer screen is physically no different from watching TV. It's not going to refresh you no matter how much you want it to.

Jesse James was asked how he managed to build his business in the evenings after a full day doing manual labour for a pay cheque. His answer was simple. He never sat down. He came home and went directly to his garage to work on custom projects. The couch is a trap. Saying you're just going to relax for ten minutes is a lie. Ten minutes turns into 30, turns into an hour, and the next thing you know, the day's gone.

And then the week's gone, and the month, and the year.

We know what comes after that, don't we?

Never stop moving. There's always something to do, and you can accomplish a lot of it right there in the living room with your family.

*image from thesprucetunnel.wordpress.com

The Torment of the To-Do List and Why I'm Adding One More Thing

I wrote a long post about it being only the first week of January and already feeling like a failure for various reasons, most of which are beyond my control.

I deleted it.

I've planned. I've organized. I've ticked things off my to-do list and added more. I made progress. 

Little tiny steps towards the life I want. It's only been eight days. How much could I possibly think I could achieve?

Apparently more than I'm capable of.

That's not true either. What actually happened was this: I had two weeks off over the holidays. I ran, I cooked, I created, I organized. I was busy. Then the holiday ended and it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't be able to keep up the pace on my personal projects I'd set during my time off.  It only took a few days for me to dig myself a pretty deep depression ditch. I spent most of yesterday at work beating myself up for not doing all the things that were on Wednesday's to-do list. Afterwards I dragged my sorry butt home and looked around my place.

What did I see? All the things I've accomplished in the short time since I started my journal and wrote down what I wanted to do. The hat I knitted on Sunday. The freezer full of a month's worth of healthy lunches for work. The neatly checked off squares on my new running calendar. The books I got with the library card I finally got around to acquiring. The registration confirmations for the classes I signed up for this semester. The sketches for the modifications I'm doing on my truck.

That's a lot of win! How could I not see the upswing happening?

Easy. That's not what I was looking at. I was so busy cataloging the things I didn't do (and a few I didn't even want to think about) that I didn't leave a second to enjoy the successes I've had. By engaging in forward-thinking tunnel vision I could only see the boxes I didn't get to tick off my list. This is a regular occurrence for me. I make myself miserable trying to do everything all at once.

What am I going to do about it?

Ironically, I'm adding another item to my daily to-do list. What's it going to say?

Take a daily inventory of everything you've accomplished!

If you're anything like me, you might want to make a daily appointment with yourself to really begin understanding just exactly how many cool things you do. You'll be surprised at how successful you are.


*image "borrowed" from alalaloa on deviantart